Terrence Kennedy
Until death do us part is an incredibly long time for any man to have to learn coping with a sexless marriage, but unfortunately around 25% of all marriages in the U.S can be described as platonic, that is to say that there is too little sex going on between the bound individuals, or simply none at all.
But we are human beings with particular needs and desires which do need seeing to, which is why being stuck in passionless matrimony can have serious impacts on your emotional, physical and mental health.
If you have found yourself wondering where the spark that once kept you stimulated by your marriage has gone, there are a good few reasons why it might be temporarily or permanently out.
And if you are trying to find solutions that will ignite the fire once more, there is always a worthwhile one somewhere out there.​
"Being stuck in passionless matrimony can have serious impacts on your emotional, physical and mental health..."
But let’s start with trying to figure out where the passion went, and why it is gone:
Coping With a Sexless Marriage: Troubleshooting​
How did things turn so cold between you two?
One of the first questions you should ask if you feel you are in a sexless marriage, is ‘how much sex is too little sex?’
According to various marriage counselors and researchers, couples who report having sex at least once a week have found the optimal point that keeps the relationship intimate and sees to each of its members’ needs. However, those who find themselves boxed in the 25% who aren’t getting enough, report that sex only takes place once a month or so, sometimes more than a year can go by without a married couple getting the deed done.
If you find these statistics worrying, there could be any number of reasons why you or your partner’s sex drive has dropped (at least as far as the marriage is concerned).​
Life just got in the way: So reclaim that space
This seems to be a cause for so many of life’s problems and negligence these days.
The excuse of being too tired or too busy is one that has robbed too many people of all kinds of pleasure over the years, and it is a big killer of marital sex. The stress of your job, meeting your bills, staying active and running a household is no joke, and it often robs couples of the energy that they think they need in order to keep each other satisfied. So, what is the solution here? Well, there are a few.
A good start to rectifying this problem, is to take some time to check up on your health. A poor diet and deficiency in minerals, as well as any number of medical issues could be sapping the energy required to get your sex-drive where it needs to be. Improve your diet, get some exercise, and try and get your wife to do the same.
Become more organized and learn to manage your time better. This will not only free up some of your working hours, but will also lessen your stress levels which will help you improve your sex-drive.
Create a sex-date with your spouse. It might sound a little strange to say ‘its Wednesday, which means it’s time to get it on, but if the situation really is that bad, setting some time aside and dedicating it to sex is probably essential.
Check this out this very entertaining satire about it:​
Resentment is ruining the mood: Communicate and fix it
Resentment is one hell of a mood killer, and when it comes to marriage, there is an entire life-time’s amount of room for it.
Everything from regret and fear of infidelity, to simply not doing enough around the house can lead to levels of resentment that can utterly obliterate the amount of sex that you and your partner are having.
The key to solving this is to start with fostering open and honest communication about what is causing feelings to sour. This way you can get those nasty situations out into the open before they wreck your marriage.
But communication is just the first part. Since marriage is all about compromise, you need to accept and act on it if you are the cause of resentment. Do a few more chores, make your wife feel a little more special, and do whatever is necessary to solve the problems that are ruining your sex life.
Someone’s ego is under strain: Make her feel special
A common cause for problems (especially sexual ones) in a marriage comes simply from not taking the time to make your significant other feel special anymore.
A sexless marriage is often the result of a passionless one, and when the passion is gone, it’s usually because one or both parties have ceased trying to make their partners feel special. We all need to have our egos rubbed a little from time to time, and just because you are married now doesn’t mean you no longer have to keep your wife impressed, and vice versa.
Check out this video:​
Make her feel sexy and wanted, compliment her and show her love and support. Remind her of why you fell in love in the first place, and you will be well on your way to reigniting the spark.
One of you needs to work on their strokes: probably you
Keeping a man satisfied in the sack isn’t rocket science. For the most part, we are easy enough to please.
An orgasm is all but guaranteed, it takes little more than a slight bit of interest and a follow through to keep us satisfied, but women… women are different.
There is a global epidemic of unsatisfied women who tend to approach sex as though it is something they do for their man, while their husbands give little in return by way of good technique.
So, is it any wonder that they aren’t interested in making sex a regular affair?​
But how do you magically figure out how to start satisfying her sexual needs?
Simple, ask her what she likes. Since you are married you should be able to have that kind of conversation openly. If not, the problem might run a little bit deeper than not having enough sex.​
Consider changing it up a little, introduce toys, new techniques and different settings into your sex-lives. It might just feel like the breath of fresh air you both needed to get the blood flowing again.
Porn is getting in the way: Cut down and look to your wife
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve never been the type to crusade against the porn industry, but too much of it is certainly not a good thing.
Pornography might be entertaining and even enjoyable, but if you are resorting to it more often than sex, your addiction to it might be what’s getting in the way. Over consumption of porn usually leads to an increase in masturbation, which typically leads to a lower sex drive.
It also warps your expectations of sex, undermines your partner’s attractiveness, and might even cause jealousy in the relationship.​
So, if you are in a sexless marriage and think that pornography is the perfect space-filler. Step back and consider whether or not it is adding to your drought.​
Conclusion: Go make the needed change
Coping with a sexless marriage isn’t about accepting the way things are. A lack of intimacy in this regard may point to larger problems which could lead your marriage to crumble while destroying you both.
Be sure to take the time and effort needed to reignite the spark, using the above advice to help you.