Here’s another thing I know: Guys are finding dating very challenging these days. Between dating apps, the current dating culture, the MeToo movement, and modern feminism, it’s a shit show out there. Fear and distrust are rampant; frustration abounds; ghosting is pervasive; and rejection comes with every swipe. Rejection isn’t new to dating–neither is disappointment or failure–it just seems like there’s more of it and more in your face.  

Rejection is part of the game (and built into the system with dating apps). I talk to my male clients all day about navigating and optimizing the technology, but I also give equal time to talking to them about rejection and how to work with it, or rather, how to make it work for them. Rejection, as I’ve discovered, can make you a better dater. 

My younger male clients find this hard to believe. They grew up with participation awards and abundant praise, so in their minds, no good can come from getting turned down or blown off. Oh, how wrong they are. 

Here’s a little refresher on rejection: Bluntly put, not everyone is going to like you, and you’re not going to like everyone, but that’s dating (and life), so you better get on with it. As much as rejection stings, your ego shouldn’t be so inflated or fragile that you can’t survive it. Especially with dating apps, where a checked ego and thick skin are your best weapons to survive the rejection that will come at you fast and furiously.

As mentioned, because I have an athletic background, I see everything through the lens of sports—including dating, because to me dating is a sport. It’s performance, ability, agility, stamina, endurance, strategy, skills, wins, and losses. If dating is team tryouts, then rejection is getting cut from the team. 

Rejection always sucks, but it particularly sucks for people like me who hate losing. Rejections are a total mind fuck: They get into your head, mess with your game, and make you feel like an athlete on a losing streak.

Case in point: Minnesota Twins shortstop Carlos Correa, who recently got boo’d by his own fans after a streak of bad performances. Fans weren’t having it, and neither was he. “I’d boo myself too with the amount of money I’m making if I’m playing like that and I’m in the stands. Obviously (the booing) is accepting. It’s part of the game, part of sports.”

I feel ya, Carlos. I was you, in dating terms that is. 

When I was single, my slumps turned into losing streaks. Because I was so focused on “winning,” (i.e getting married), I wasn’t dating relaxed. I wasn’t in the zone. I was overthinking everything. When I’d get up to bat, I’d choke. I was so afraid of striking out that I’d strike out. I literally developed performance anxiety from dating. 

When you overthink, you can’t relax; when you doubt your ability, you can’t perform. If you’re afraid of failing, you’re not flowing. And if your need to put the ball away, end the point, or win the game (or the person) is too intense, it’ll only keep victory away from you.