Terrence Kennedy
It sounds so negative, doesn’t it? A trap… get out of it! Well I’d like to just set things straight, dating is good.
Dating is fun and can help you to work out what you want in a partner and it increases your chances of actually meeting them. I am not against dating, I positively encourage it in fact.
But what is a dating trap? A dating trap is individual to a person, but you know you are in a dating trap when you have been on loads of dates and you haven’t met ‘them’ yet.
The dating trap is when you are going on dates and you are already exasperated before you even get out of the door. It’s when you are getting ready for a date and all you really want to do is stay in, or go out with your mates.
It’s that feeling of feeling trapped, you have to go on yet another date and you just know it won't yield the crop that you really want. It’s when you are going out on more dates than any other pastime and it’s starting to become a habit. Perhaps you are even lining up a date with someone else before you’ve even given the next person a chance.
Someone in a dating trap might not have yet properly considered the possibility of being in an actual relationship.
Some people might have even called you a commitment-phobe. If that’s true and it is a relationship that you want I’m about to help you to work out how to get out of the dating trap.
The Dating Trap - Signs and Solutions
"It’s that feeling of feeling trapped, you have to go on yet another date and you just know it won't yield the crop that you really want..."
First ask yourself honestly, “do I want to date or do I want to be in a relationship……”
If you are sure you want to be in a relationship here’s five steps that will take you on a journey of self discovery and get you out of the dating trap.
Negatives...
This is such an important step in the process, because it is the first step to becoming more self aware.
When you become more self-aware you have more information about yourself to be able to change.
It can feel uncomfortable at first, but you will learn very quickly that slight uncomfortable feeling is so so so worth it.
Ask yourself these questions and see what answers you get. Write them down using a pen, this is very important because it unlocks your subconscious.
- What are the bad things about being in a relationship?
- Who in my life stops me from being in a relationship?
- What will I have to give up that I love if I’m in a relationship?
I realise that all of these things seem slightly negative but if you are not in a relationship yet and you want to be it’s so important to work out how these beliefs might be holding you back.
Check out this video about the Importance of Self-Awareness
Write down anything negative you feel about being in a relationship and let it all out, trust me you will realize things about yourself that you didn’t know were there before.
You might be asking yourself why? What’s the point in being so negative? Well some of us completely ignore the negative stuff and don’t learn what we need to, meaning it always pops up again in the future. You might find similar or wrong relationships keep finding you. Others might be going on and on like a broken record, compelled to tell all our friends and anyone who will listen all about our problems. The issue here is that these negatives buried in our subconscious keep us stuck and unable to move on.
So write down all of the negative stuff, be brutally honest and then burn it or let it go with a helium balloon.
This part of the process is all about letting things go, and being able to move forward and create a new, more real you.
What do you want?
This is the fun part, you get to go write down all that you could want in a relationship.
It’s important at this point to be specific and you write down what you can give and get from a relationship.
A lot of my clients will only write what they will get, and not what they will give. In this part, you get to dream big and it’s important that you notice if anything negative comes up, don’t ignore it.
If you start to get that horrible feeling all of a sudden, ask yourself what is happening here? What is it that I still need to learn? Then write it down. Once you have it written down, put it somewhere you can see every day.
It took just 8 weeks for these 5 steps to work for me, so imagine what it could do for you! Read it every day, but more importantly feel what it feels like to be with the person you want to be in a relationship with.
Believe...
It can be so hard to believe sometimes that you are going to meet the ‘right’ one for you.
There is more than one person out there for everyone, I truly believe that. I don’t believe that there is only one person that you will spend your life with.
There were times for me when I struggled to believe I would ever meet someone special and in those moments I would read over what I wanted and I’d say, sometimes out loud what I had written.
It’s in the moments where you want to go on yet another date, or have yet another one night stand that you really need to pull out all the stops. Focus on what it is that you really want.
Think about who you have to become to be the person that they would be attracted to.
Do stuff differently...
If you keep to the same routine and only go on dating apps and you expect something to change (it might) but you aren’t really increasing your chances.
Come on, get creative, get out there and talk to people. Join groups, be active do anything that is different and new. You just don’t know when you will meet them.
Think about places that your person would go to and hang out. What you do isn’t really important, it’s how you approach it that matters. I stayed really active and made sure I was doing new things, but I was also showing up in places that I would normally go to like a friend’s birthday.
Life is about balance and you need to make sure that you don’t let things with your friends and family slip just because you are looking for, or have now got into a new relationship.
Making it all work...
The way to actually make change is to do all of the above. You have to make some changes for things to change. Just reading this isn’t enough. Become self-aware, enjoy the journey of learning about who you are in the world.
Learn how to flirt and approach people, and if you’re stuck on internet dating, how about giving it up for a little while?
People will always say that you shouldn’t change for anyone and that if you stay as you are the right person will come along and bring out the best in you.
I like to look at it this way, imagine you are buying a house. When you visit these houses they are usually pretty close in price.
Imagine you go into 2 different houses that are exactly the same price.
House one is tidy and clean, clear of clutter and smells beautiful. The outside is clean and tidy and there’s no rubbish lying around in the garden. You can really tell, the owners look after their house.
House two is a mess, there’s clutter everywhere, the kitchen doors are hanging off. The bathroom looks like it has not been cleaned in a while. There’s rubbish outside the house and it smells of smoke.
Now both houses are exactly the same in terms of size and even layout. Which one would you want and which one would you pay more for?
So go on I dare you to make some changes and let me know how you get on.