How to talk to your girlfriend about sex toys and introduce toys into the bedroom

There comes a time when even the most loyal and loving partners feel that the excitement is gone from the relationship and that sex just isn’t as fun as it used to be. Seeing sex turn from a moment of pleasure and exploration into a reason for stress and concern can be discouraging, but it shouldn’t ruin the relationship you worked so hard to build. Life can get pretty crazy and sex should be a moment of fun and intimacy in the pressure of daily life.

Toys can rekindle the spark you lost, by encouraging you to experiment, helping you know your partner’s fantasies better and get more comfortable with one another. There’s nothing shameful about using sex toys, and introducing them into the bedroom can open a whole new world of possibilities, but starting a conversation with your girlfriend about them can be a bit tricky.

How to suggest sex toys without coming across as insensitive

ou should know right from the start that a large dildo is a really bad surprise gift and you shouldn’t buy your girlfriend sex toys without talking about it first. She’ll feel offended, ashamed, uncomfortable, and worry that you’re not attracted to her anymore. Besides, starting with advanced toys is rarely a good idea. Start with something subtler that doesn’t look intimidating and explore with couple’s sex toys until you both find something you love.  

  • Don’t push the conversation. If you suggested sex toys but your girlfriend is clearly intimidated and wants to change the topic, don’t insist. Maybe she’s not ready yet and wants to know you better. She heard your message and she’ll think about it. If you’ve been together for only a few months, she may not be too comfortable and want to build trust yet.

  • Talk about sex toys from both perspectives. Toys shouldn’t be used for the benefit of only one partner, they’re something that both of you should enjoy, so don’t make the conversation about you. Don’t say that you want to try sex toys because it would turn you on – your girlfriend will assume that her presence alone is not enough. Explain that it’s not about fixing something that’s missing, but about making something good feel even better.

  • Don’t be too serious. You don’t want to be rude and insensitive, but at the same time, you don’t want to talk about spicing things up in the bedroom the same way you talk about getting a mortgage loan. Sex should be fun, exciting, and playful. Make a joke, be lighthearted, don’t start a tense conversation about the scientific benefits of using sex toys. Be personal and relaxed and your girlfriend will be less likely to feel intimidated.

  • Explore options together. Women think about sex a lot more thank you think. Chances are she’s already considered toys herself, but didn’t feel comfortable enough to bring it up. If she says yes, don’t make the decision for her. Look at some toys together, let her take the lead and suggest the ones she likes! The idea is not to force anything and choose some toys that you can both realistically enjoy.

What toys should you use first?

Using sex toys is wonderful, but you may not want to start with the hardcore stuff, unless of course, you’re both on board with that. To make sure no one gets scared or turned off (yes, that can happen!), take it slow and buy some small, discrete, and cute sex toys first. Large strap-on dildos, harnesses, suction cups and double-ended vibrators will have to wait until you’re more comfortable. In the meantime, explore beginner couples sex toys that you can’t go wrong with.

Small bullet vibrators are a great investment to start with, because nothing goes in anywhere, they look very discrete and female-friendly and can be incorporated in many ways into the bedroom. If your girlfriend isn’t ready to use toys with you yet, she can try the vibrator herself until she feels more comfortable and discovers her favorite fantasies. To take foreplay to a whole new level, you can also get a pair of remote-controlled vibrating panties. You can even use them before you get to the bedroom for some added anticipation.

Want to start even slower? Although not technically sex toys, things like sexy lingerie, roleplaying costumes, massage oil, blindfolds, and lube, can ignite your imagination and lead you on to other fun stuff.

When you’re ready to move on from basic couples sex toys to more advanced ones, allow some time for a smooth transition. Even if the idea of bondage turns you both on, you might want to try some light bondage first before moving on to the heavy stuff. In practice, they could be scarier than they look in your imagination and this could discourage you from trying new things.

Don’t feel awkward if you’re a bit clumsy when you use sex toys for the first time. It’s not a test, and it’s important for your partner to feel comfortable. Even if you’re not sure what to do with them at first, no one expects you to be an expert. Relax, laugh about it, and try to use them in various ways until you figure out the combination that works for you. Afterward, don’t forget to ask her what she thought of the experience. Did you use toys too little or too much? Did the toys add something exciting or would she like to try out something else? Communication is key in your sexual life, so the more you talk about it, the easier it will be for you to discover what you like.

Written by Mark Greene

Mark Greene is writer and life coach dedicated to helping men to perform at peak level. He shares dating advice, style tips and strategies for building wealth and success.