What Science tells us ‘When She’s Not in the Mood for Sex’

We can all agree that for any relationship to succeed, sexual desire must be in a perfect sense of balance. Sexual desire is considered the core ingredient in any relationship, therefore, being not in the mood for sex is a catalyst for anxiety, sleep disorders, cheating, and can end a relationship.

Published studies confirm that the levels of sexual desire and mutual attraction vary over the course of a relationship. The fluctuations often lead to sexual desire discrepancy (a case in which one partner wants more sex than the other).

Well, a pool of relationship scientists working with volunteer researchers has delved into the matter to explore the extremes of sexual desire discrepancies.

After various published studies, the experts feel they have good news to share on how to deal with the ‘horny’ and ‘not horny’ state of affairs. It may appear embarrassing being denied sex because of ‘moods’ but it pays a lot listening and understanding your partner.

In today’s post, we will take a look at expert tips and best ways to deal with sexual desire imbalances in a relationship.

She's Not in the Mood for Sex: What Science has to Say​

Why a person’s motivation matters?

Alfred Kinsey was the first major U.S. Scientist to begin the study of sex. In his findings, sexual motivation is among the most crucial aspects of humanity.

Alfred argues that if we’re not motivated to have sex, then the human race would be distinct. According to him, that logic, feeling like you desire to make love (being horny) is part of you doing what you are required to do as part of humanity.

The bottom line, unlike hunger, sexual desire does not encourage people to attend to a biological need. Lack of food leads to death, however, absence of sex does not. Both biological and psychological influences strongly affect sex drive.

So, for partners who desire to experience a hot sensual encounter, motivation, (‘the reasons one has for behaving or acting in a particular way’) plays a crucial role in determining the outcome of sexual drive needs. To wrap it up, lack of sexual motivation ruins sex.

Why approach is everything?

According to Amy Muise, a Ph.D. fellow at the University of Toronto who researches sexuality and relationships, sometimes the way we get started with sex will determine

if we reach the start line. Amy says, “A person might not like the way sex is being initiated, or she might be interested in closeness or some type of affection, but not sex. She might have had a stressful day and just needs some space.”

These reactions are very normal and practical and do not reflect a person’s desires.

What to do:​

Muise tells us when you find out she is not interested, continue with the initial attempts and try and re-ignite her sexual desire. Assume you do not notice her disinterest and pursue your goal with confidence and attractive desire.

​What to do instead?

Don’t let the denial piss you off. Muise recommends just talking to her can change things a little bit.

Talking in the sense of asking questions that are straightforward like “Is there anything I can do to get you in the mood? “ Muise argues that this move may not necessarily improve the outcome, but by asking her the question she may realize that spending time together and being affectionate can turn her on.

Ask to have a raincheck?

Ridiculous it may sound, Muise suggests that if you receive an endless chain of perfect ‘NOs’ then request to have a raincheck. In fact, she recommends using this exact phrase “Can I have a raincheck?” By asking for a raincheck, you make her understand:

• ​You acknowledge it is not happening tonight, so she does not have to keep using the word ‘No'.
• You are not annoyed, and you are already looking forward to the sex you’ll be enjoying together the next day or when it happens.

“If a person understands about their partner’s need to not have sex, it is more likely that their partner will be motivated to meet their sexual needs in the future,” Muise says.

Show her that you are willing to wait

While it is not going to happen and you do not know when it is likely to happen, make evident to her that you’re willing to wait. Do it with poise and without opinionated judgement or aggression.

Well! You may be surprised next time you may be the one not in the mood for sex. Muise believes that once she has said no, she will have some concerns next time before saying no.

Having sex with an uninterested partner can cause pleasure on one side and pain on the other.

Accepting her desire not to have sex and appreciating her reasons and your efforts improves both your future sex drives. Understanding each other’s needs even during conflict situations leads to enjoyable sex with greater satisfaction.

Some people argue that good things come to those that practice some degree of patience.​

Have a reason for having sex

Think about the times you have had sex with your partner to promote a positive outcome in your relationship.

Take for example having sex to feel much closer to your lover, having sex to strengthen your bond, or to enhance intimacy, etc.

Now also think about the times you have had sex to avoid an adverse experience such as annoying your partner or resolving a conflict in your relationship.

It turns out that the reasons for having sex in our relationships have significant consequences for how much sexual drive we have for our partners.

Moreover, positive and negative sexual thoughts help us realize and express how satisfied we are with the sexual experience and relationship.

Negative thoughts affect our sexual drive and do not promote a healthier sexual relationship. Having an excellent reason for having sex and communicating that purpose well with your partner fosters fruitful sexual relationships.​

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